Ever since the iconic moment where Harry first donned the Sorting Hat, millions of people have wondered which house they’d be in.
Thankfully, the internet offers hundreds of tests and quizzes to figure out which of the four houses you belong to. (For our money, we’re Ravenclaws all the way. Well, with a dash of Slytherin.)
But what are the queer girl traits of the individual houses? Read on to find out.
Look, let’s be real: most people want to be sorted into Gryffindor. Gryffindors are loyal, natural leaders, and their bravery is their greatest asset.
However, that bravery can sometimes transmute into recklessness and bad decisions. Real life Gryffindors include Obama, Beyoncé, and Malala Yousafzai (much like our number one, Hermione, Malala could be a Ravenclaw too, though her bravery warrants her place in the pride).
Queer girl Gryffindor traits:
- Probably the Shane in your friend group.
- Forever sharing campaigns about queer rights on Facebook, though rarely translating to on-the-street activism.
- Hardcore knows who she is.
- That one kid who knows they’ve been gay since they were like six.
- Cycles a lot. Doesn’t wear a helmet, but carries a puncture repair kit just in case.
- Will kill spiders that have infiltrated the house.
- ‘Never Have I Ever’ is her go-to party game.
- Probably refers to her lady parts as her ‘chamber of secrets’ because lol.
- Owns a varied and wide collection of snapbacks.
- Still watches The Walking Dead even though it hasn’t been good for at least three seasons.
Known for their heart and innate friendliness, Hufflepuffs get a bad rep for being the house of the ‘don’t-belongs’. Hufflepuffs are curious by nature and have an altruistic desire to leave the world a better place. Famous Hufflepuffs include J.K. Rowling herself and Martin Luther King (don’t @ me).
Queer girl Hufflepuff traits:
- The one boy she dated is probably gay.
- Forever falling in and out of love with straight girls. (Who isn’t tbf?)
- Ellen DeGeneres was her first girl crush.
- Unabashedly loves Taylor Swift.
- Forever quoting memes from last year.
- Thinks pineapple and ham are acceptable toppings for pizza.
- Forever musing about going vegetarian because of cute animal Instagrams, but never quite making the leap.
- Occasionally re-watches The L Word, which she even owns on an actual, literal DVD.
- A kindhearted and warm girlfriend. Essentially Emily Fitch personified.
- When in a relationship, she’s always doing cute things.
- She’ll even give you her Netflix log-ins.
- Lives in flannel.
- Reads a lot of dirty fanfic.
- One time she read a fanfic about Mrs. Norris and she’s never been the same since.
- Hardcore deep-creeps on Instagram and accidentally likes her crush’s selfie from 742 days ago.
Ravenclaws are renowned for their desire to learn. They’re generally introverted and draw much of their inspiration from books and nature. Like Luna Lovegood, the future leader of the free world, Ravenclaws are original and creative, with a flair for ideas.
Famous irl Ravenclaws include Michelle Obama, Poussey Washington, and Bill Gates.
Queer girl Ravenclaw traits:
- Likely an activist for women’s rights.
- Goes to art school.
- Reads a lot of queer theory.
- Maintains an active queer-interest blog.
- Writes filthy fanfic about her favourite pairings.
- Is forever dyeing her hair bright colours.
- Doesn’t shave her armpits or leg hair to fuck with the patriarchy. Or just because she doesn’t want to.
- Pauses films or TV shows to point out inconsistencies.
- Didn’t like The Last Jedi or season seven of Game of Thrones, because they just didn’t compare to the source material.
- Keeps being told she’s a “Jenny” by character quizzes about The L Word.
- Is distraught about this, but kind of sees it.
- Non-ironically enjoys and follows the Kardashians.
- Owns a well-curated vinyl collection and neon cactus lights from Ikea.
- Her biggest crush is likely a fictional character or someone who is entirely unattainable.
Ah, Slytherins, the most maligned of houses. While many think that ‘Slytherin’ is a synonym for evil, this isn’t the case. Many Slytherins are sound – once they’ve chosen to warm to you.
They’re resourceful and clever, with ambition to match their drive. Just don’t piss them off. Famous Slytherins include Orson Welles, Winston Churchill, and Kanye West.
Queer girl Slytherin traits:
- Also refers to her lady parts as her ‘chamber of secrets’, because Gryffindors and Slytherins are always more alike than they seem.
- Will invite you to ‘slither-in’ to aforementioned chamber of secrets.
- Partial to ghosting.
- Never opens the conversation on Tinder.
- Super good at oral sex. Probably.
- Secretly watches old Glee episodes, just for Santana’s snark.
- Forever RTing or reposting spoilers without adequate spoiler hashtags.
- Will explain all the ways she thinks your OTP is garbage.
- Will text back with ‘k’.
- Super hard worker, whose ambition is reflected in her success.
- Runs a successful side-hustle; probably has thousands of followers on Tumblr or Instagram.
- Thinks the National and the War on Drugs are the greatest bands ever.
- Really enjoys sad music like Surfjan Stevens and Paige Jackson.
- Looks really good in a button-up.
- Out and proud and don’t you dare fuck with her or her friends.
- Once they fall in love, they fall hard and are exceptionally good girlfriends.
It’s almost as if arbitrary categorisation has no actual meaning in real life.
Almost as if…