Is there anything gayer than astrology? No, we didn’t think so either.
Buckle up, creampuffs, and let’s consider some good old-fashioned lesbian astrology and what your star sign says about the type of gay you are.
Lesbian astrology: the guide – because why not?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries astrology in three words: Passionate, motivated, and confident.
Aries is signified by a ram, so make of that what you will, you big ole strap-on wearing queer.
Aries are uncomplicated and direct in their actions, so they, in all likelihood, are either the bossiest bottom to walk the land or an absolute Shane. Which is to say: they know what they want and they get it.
They’ll eat you up for breakfast if you let them.
Aries kicks off spring and the entire zodiac cycle, so expect constant action and excitement from them. They’re likely not big on commitment, but very into fun – and to top it (no pun intended) off, they’re ruled by Mars.
Best for: Fuck buddy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus in three words: Stubborn, hedonistic, well-grounded.
Probably not a Pokemon, but it’s 2019 so who even knows?
Taurus kiddos are a mixed bag: both a lover of luxury but also grounded and realistic. Ruled by Venus, Taurus is an earth sign that likes to luxuriate.
Pour them a bath and feed them grapes, basically, is what we’re saying.
They’re most at ease in flowy robes and they probably enjoy dropping acid and painting barefoot.
You can bet your ass that they have a septum piercing – because of course.
Best for: A hippy pal to roll a blunt with, and then spend hours snuggling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini in three words: Frenetic, busy doer-of-things.
You know that one friend who’s always busy with various friends groups and hobbies? This is your Gemini pal.
Geminis are big on communication and doing stuff. They’re always busy and they’re probably ex-girlfriends with all your ex-girlfriends. It’s pretty incredible tbh.
Somehow, they don’t grump, no matter how busy they are.
A fearless thinker under Mercury’s watch, Geminis are progressives who like to get shit done.
Best for: Making signs and bringing to a Women’s March.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers in three words: poor stressed beans.
Cancers are the embodiment of their representative: the crab.
That’s not to say that they’re crusty on the outside and squishy on the inside, but rather that they’re highly-sensitive and they’re likely to scuttle off if something goes wrong.
They can be anxious and all over the place. They probably collect crystals and had a Wicca phase. They’re definitely vegetarian, if not outright vegan because they can’t bear the suffering of animals.
They’re sweet souls, ultimately, who can be a little bit too gentle for this world. They’re also wildly into furnishings and a good drape, so a Cancer girlfriend will make a fucking excellent pillow fort – and that shit’s important.
Best for: Writing sad poetry about the girl they’re pining for.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leos in three words: Dramatic, passionate, ridiculous.
Leos are known for their drama. They’re passionate and dramatic, with a flair that often strays into the ridiculous.
But lest we forget: in the heart of the ridiculous is the sublime.
They can probably recite reams of poetry and look killer in a beret. Leos are governed by the sun, which fuels them and their extraness.
However, beyond the extraness, they’re often loyal, wonderful friends who are fearless (sometimes to their detriment) optimists.
Best for: A very fierce drag performer/go-go person.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo in three words: logical, meticulous, kind.
Virgos are a funny auld crowd as they’re governed by analytical minds. They probably look immense in an over-sized cardigan and cute glasses, though chances are their blouse has a smudge of food on the sleeve.
Virgos are nerds outright: with a growing fascination in the things that interest them. They are consummate knowers-of-things who seek beauty in patterns and the intricacies of the world around them.
Ultimately, they see things a little bit differently.
They also probably can recite every gay scene from every gay show that’s come out since they were an embryo.
Best for: Remembering every minute detail of the TV show she loves best.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra in three words: A balanced motherfucker
Given that Libra is represented by scales, it’s no surprise that Libras are all about balance and harmony, man.
Libras are art historian gays with an immense knowledge of the baroque period. They can recite Dickinson and Keats by heart too.
Their favourite date night is probably a face mask and endless talking about philosophy and high art.
However, they are people-pleasers and that can work against them – so don’t be surprised if they’re sometimes led astray, especially by a vibrant Aries with a penchant for art.
Best for: Face masks and art, my dude.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpios in three words: fire, passion, calculating.
Often, people think Scorpios are fire signs for their passion and flair for the dramatics – but they’re actually a water sign.
If Scorpios were one person, they’d be Frida Kahlo, so make of that what you will.
But here’s the kicker: Scorpio governs the vajay and the peen. Like, officially.
Make of that what you will too.
Astrology is gas.
In a sentence: Scorpios are probably the best sex you’re going to have. Convince one to stick around and they’ll be just about one of the most loyal and tender people you can meet.
Just don’t get burned.
Best for: Incredible sexy-times.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius in three words: wanderers. That’s it.
Saggittarians are the dreamers: the wanderers with a wicked case of wanderlust and sonder.
They’ve gone to seek a great perhaps, possibly with Jack Kerouac tucked in their backpack.
Saggittarians have it easy: they’re effortlessly charismatic and draw friends to them wherever they are. They probably don’t wash that often and are most at home in harem pants and the one tee they’ve worn for two weeks, but they make up for it with sheer charm and exuberance.
Best for: A travel buddy who’ll take you up a mountain to do Ayahuasca. Say that astrology made you do it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorns in three words: solid, cold, tough.
Capricorns are ruled by Saturn, a harsh taskmaster. Unsurprisingly, they can be seen as stoic and unfeeling, but that’s often not the case. Wobbly jelly lives buried in their chest, but you’re going to have to put a shift in to see it wiggle.
Capricorns are great leaders as they get shit done. Beneath it all, they also love to party – you just gotta give them a little time to warm right up. Sambuca helps.
Best for: If you need someone to help you survive in like a desert or something, idk.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarians in three words: rebels at heart.
Aquarians take no shit from anyone. Progressive and innovative, Aquarians aren’t just listening to The Guilty Feminist podcast – they’re also probably running their own intersectional website and podcast.
Wind them up and let them go, because there’s nothing an empowered Aquarian won’t accomplish.
Free-spirited and often eccentric, Aquarians are the best kind of hippy: sure they might smoke a blunt every now and again, but when they do, it somehow opens a portal of creativity and wisdom.
An acid trip with an Aquarian would truly be an experience, and would possibly involve painting with your boobs onto canvas. Who even knows?
Aquarians will fly their freak flag high – just think of Ilana from Broad City. Nailed it.
Best for: Leading the Women’s Protest. Yasssss queen.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces in three words: Poor flighty eejits
Pisces is represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions – and this is the exact pull they’ll experience between reality and fiction.
Pisces are dreamers. Their head is very firmly buried in the clouds and their first crush was probably Hermione Granger or Sylvia Plath, but lbr who’s wasn’t? (Surely not just us?)
While Pisces are often enamored with fiction, they must focus on not getting too carried away. Carmilla fanfic is great, is what we’re saying, but they need to get out live in the real world too.
Best for: The fatalistic friend who gets away with it because she’s cute.
Does any of this align? Is it all made up? Yes, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
ISN’T THAT RIGHT, J.K. ROWLING?
RIP Albus. Still not over it, lbr. 😭