The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina dropped on Netflix on Friday, October 26th, and its campy, dark tomfoolery is the perfect Halloween accompaniment.
One part Buffy, one part Wynonna Earp, and one part witchy entertainment, TCAoS is a whole lot of fun – but beneath the shiny veneer, gorgeous set design, and stunning cinematography is an assured tale of teenager revelry, lust, and angst.
In short, it’s hella gay – even when it explicitly isn’t.
In the spirit of the spoopyiest time of the year, we’re ranking the characters of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina in order of gayness (and also occasionally by how much we like them. Our time on this world is arbitrary; so too is our ranking system). Don’t @ me. 🤷
Warning: SPOILERS AHOY.
The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: character rankings
Category the worst: wet sponges and/or too straight to function™
His kink(le)s include being a quivering arsehole and limiting and being abusive to his sons.
Gay potential: Overly invested in dark, tight spaces (i.e. the mines and hyper-masculinity) so possibly a closet gay but 99 percent likely not as that’s a stereotype we really need to move past, okay?
Notable for being the worst and because Hilda fancied him for about 10 minutes. Very much a straight man, whose greatest folly is thinking he is worthy of the divine Madam Satan.
Gay potential: Maybe he and Mr Kinkle can hook up to assert their masculinity?
Category the whatever: fine, but with limited gay potential
His entire character arc revolved around being nice to Harvey and dying. He was nice and had a cute face.
Gay potential: He dead, so nah.
Lord Blackwood’s long-suffering wife. Most interesting when slipped truth potion and plotting against Prudence, my precious bae.
Gay potential: She dead, so nah.
Less boring than his dad and brother, but still really boring. Ultimately, interesting women always have less interesting other halves, and TCAoS is no better.
Harvey is a cutie and his art is rad, but he and Sabrina are terribly boring together.
Gay potential: Wildly unlikely, given his place as the play-it-straight love interest.
Less interesting than Agatha, because she didn’t die and/or become a living cadaver.
Gay potential: Partakes in all-sex orgies. Makes vodoo dolls of her enemies. ⭐
Most notable for nearly dying and crushing Tommy Kinkle to death with a rock. Was a living cadaver for a while, 0/10 wouldn’t recommend.
Gay potential: Partakes in all-sex orgies. Makes vodoo dolls of her enemies. ⭐ Dies – which is the mark of many a gay character.
Nondescript apart from being sexy. Very enthusiastically believes in hailing Satan. May or may not have murdered his dude-bro Conor and his adorbs iguana.
Gay potential: At least bisexual for Ambrose, but who isn’t?
Category the: varying degrees of interesting depending on the episode
An enigma who wants to get into Sabrina’s pants. Has been in the Weird Sisters’ pants. Sort of looks like a young Cole, who corrupted Phoebe in Charmed so that’s all we read for him.
Gay potential: Could probably convert Harvey. Definitely sexually liberal.
Genderqueer lil bean who hasn’t shown much actual personality yet, tbh. Had a mad queer cousin who lived in the spare room for a bit.
Gay potential: Genderqueer, which is rad. Smol bean who is willing to fight jocks and get their face punched. Steal ‘Orlando’ from a bookshop – Virgina Woolf’s novel about a poet who changes sex. Pretty fucking queer.
Not as cool as her baller nana. Also shows potential, as she’s a rad intersectional feminist who has inherited the ‘cunning’ which lets her see things once she goes blind.
Gay potential: Would ship with Susie.
Category the: shows promise
Kind of an arsehole but in a really pathetic way.
Gay potential: Literally out loud says he misses polyamory.
A lady pirate who helped 13 witches flee Scotland to Greendale.
Gay potential: Definitely a gay; literally a pirate who helped 13 witches flee on a boat across the Atlantic.
Placed here due to her lil wink at the end of the season. A bit of a shit, but is called out for it and loses her boring mortal boyfriend because of it.
Gay potential: Highly likely to go on an evil bender in season two before an ultimate redemption, so will hopefully hook up with Prudence at some point. Also bathes Prudence in one episode, which is p gay tbh.
A total kinkster, but also kind of pathetic with the literal and metaphorical self-flagellation. Shows immense growth over the season and is absolutely a badass.
Gay potential: Definitely partook in polyamorous orgies in her youth. Definitely a tear-away. Definitely into BDSM. Probably likes to be called ‘Mommy’. Unfortunately enamoured with Lord Blackwood, but sure what can ya do? Also, look at the way she holds her cigarette – is this not the kind of a woman who’d woo a Rooney Mara type?
Category the: too pure for this world; don’t hurt my babies
Sabrina’s gas British aunt. Virginal and brilliant.
Gay potential: Wildly unlikely, but she’s adorable and a total cinnamon roll so has earned her space this high on the list.
Sexy pansexual warlock who is under house arrest for attempting to blow up the Vatican. Likes to swoosh around the Spellman house in flowy robes that highlight his delicious abs.
Gay potential: Literally a sexy pansexual warlock.
Category: pls give them spin-offs
The 13 Witches
Prosecuted and forced to flee on a boat helmed by a female captain pirate.
Gay potential: Pretty fucking gay.
Roz’s baller nana.
Gay potential: Transcends sexuality. Knits while patiently waiting to die.
I would let her step on my face with her heel tbh. MVP of the season.
Gay potential: Partakes in witchy orgies with her Weird Sisters and friends. Nonchalantly asks Sabrina to join.
What a baller.
Gay potential: The limit does not exist.